A Midsummer Night's Dream
by Spiffing Repartee
Summary: BANK: Wherein Hermione and Draco engage in sexual banter.


**A/N: For Shakespeare, who had thirteen children; several mistresses; and a mind in the gutter. **

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**A Midsummer Night's Dream,**

Hermione rolled her eyes at Draco's tardiness. They had agreed to meet in the head's common room at nine to plan their speech for the impending graduation. A glance at her watch told her that is was precisely nine twenty-nine.

At eleven Malfoy sauntered through the portrait hole, shirtless, and apathetically proclaimed, "sorry for the delay Granger, but I got an eye infection from Potter trying to screw me without his glasses on."

Hermione rolled her eyes and passed him the speech she had prepared whilst waiting, "Malfoy you are an ass."

"No Granger, you are an ass, and a mouth, and a pussy," and then added as an after thought, "and I suppose an ear to the more inventive fellows."

"You are disgusting."

"Better disgusting than a prude," he intoned dismissively, his eyes scanning the parchment.

The quiet was broken by a snort, "my fellow head and I cordially thank you for your attentiveness?" Draco mocked. "Merlin Granger you have a stick up your ass," then he mused for a while, "or maybe the problem is you _need _a stick up your ass," he smirked coquettishly.

Hermione rolled her eyes, "you have such a gutter mind."

"No, just a lot of experience in the gutter."

"Malfoy, are you seriously as experienced in bed as your reputation suggests?"

"Granger, are you seriously as naïve as your reputation suggests? I'm a Malfoy, of course I am, would you like a demonstration?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Oh, yes," he intoned in feigned remembrance, "I forgot, prude of the year strikes again."

"I am not a prude, I just find you to be repulsive."

Draco smirked libidinously, "admit it Granger, you find me to be devilishly handsome."

"Admit it Malfoy if your head was any bigger it would have its own website."

"I've no idea what you are blabbering about but I do revel in your mention of head."

"In your dreams, and plus I'm with Ron."

"Ah yes, how is fire crotch?"

"Ron is not a fire crotch," Hermione hissed shrilly.

"As if you would know, you're as holy as Swiss cheese, not to mention as repugnant."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "you don't like cheese?"

"No. It reminds me of this saucy little French maid we once had."

"I thought that you would revel in your lecherous memories."

"Not when the said memories include discoveries that the she was a he," Draco shuddered.

"You're joking?"

"I wish."

Hermione let out a cheerful laugh, taking this as his cue Draco moved beside her and slipped his arm around her shoulder. She threw him off haughtily and he chuckled and muttered, "prude."

"Look Malfoy, if you call me a prude one more time I will hex off your member," she raised an eyebrow, "although I doubt that there will be much to hex off judging from the number of compensative trysts you engage in."

Draco let out a hearty laugh, "who would have known Granger was such a joker."

"Don't deny it."

"You're the one who's in denial to the fact that you're constantly thinking about my member."

Hermione let out a growl of frustration, "you are so irritating."

"And attractive."

"You are not that attractive."

"Liar."

"Egomaniac."

"Gryffindork wench."

"Anal Slytherin cowhide."

"Fire crotches' sexually devoid, future concubine."

"Closet homosexual, with a fetish for cheese.

"Ah, now why do you sound so depressed over the fact that I could seeker for the other team?"

"Because your head is so big that you think every girl on the face of this earth is swooning for you."

"They are, evidenced by your mention of head, yet again. Just petrify me and be done with it, wench."

"You are so depraved."

"I'm not the one who keeps bringing up head."

"Shut up. You suck."

"Wow, eloquent lexicon, you _must_ tell me the secret to your mastery of the English language."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "you are such a chauvinistic pig."

"You are such a feminist wannabe."

"You are such an inbred narcissist."

They stared at one another in silent amusement for a while, and then Draco muttered, "women are so hard to understand."

"And men are just hard, period."

Draco chuckled, "touché," and exited the room, throwing a seductive leer over his shoulder and Hermione of course, for the umpteenth time that night, rolled her eyes.


End file.
